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Flimsy Finz

THE

GIBBERITIONARY

 

fla·fla

/flˈāflāh/

verb

  1. When a bird flies and then falls down.

i.e. "Most young cardinals flafla out of the sky."

 

from Gibberish fluluh ‘bird fly and fall”

(from fluhy- ‘bird up,’ + floohy- ‘bird oops’)

Inspired by Elliot, 2nd Grade

Ms. Mac and Cheese

inspired by Jori, 1st Grade

Ms. Noodle didn’t feel right. Everywhere she went, her arms were too long, her legs too lengthy, and it was impossible to fit through her front door without hitting her head or breaking a noodle! Quite frankly, Ms. Noodle felt a little flat and she needed a change.

 

Ms. Noodle went to the noodle shop and asked for a makeover. She tried on all kinds of noodles. Short noodles, circle noodles, itty-bitty noodles, grooved noodles, squiggly noodles, but nothing felt quite right. Everything was too tight or too wiggly. Just as Ms. Noodle felt ready to give up, something small and golden caught her eye. It was a macaroni noodle. Ms. Noodle tried on the macaroni. It felt not too long, not too twisty or squiggly, not too brittle, it felt just right. Macaroni was perfect.

 

Ms. Noodle felt so great in her new macaroni suit, that she changed her name to Ms. Mac! Finally she could fit through her door without hitting her head or breaking a noodle!

 

After Ms. Mac adjusted to her new macaroni life, she started to feel lonely. Who could she share her excitement with? Ms. Mac tried to think of good pairs: Ms. Mac and Peas? No, peas were too green. Ms. Mac and skis? No thanks! There wasn’t any snow where Ms. Mac lived, and those skis would never be happy. Then she tried a few more pairs. Ms. Mac and Sneeze? No! Sneezes were too loud! Ms. Mac and Bees? No way! She’d never get that buzzing out of her head. Ms. Mac and breeze? No no! Breeze would blow Ms. Mac away! Ms. Mac felt hopeless! She’d never find the right pair!

 

After a long day of thinking, Ms. Mac was exhausted and hungry. She went to her kitchen to make a snack, and when she opened her refrigerator, she saw the most beautiful sight. It shone like the sun, yellow and bright. There it was, as awesome as could be: cheese.

 

Ms. Mac reached into the refrigerator and carefully picked up the block of cheese. She looked at it. She sniffed it. She poked it with her noodle fingers. And then, she took a bite. Ms. Mac’s eyes lit up like two glistening stars. It was delicious, and from that moment on, Ms. Mac became Ms. Mac and Cheese!

 

Ms. Mac and Cheese found the perfect noodle and the perfect match, and soon, her whole life reflected that perfect pair. She had mac and cheese teeth, mac and cheese hair, mac and cheese clothes. She had a mac and cheese table, a mac and cheese chair, a macaroni dog and cheese cat, and a mac and cheese house! Ms. Mac and Cheese was happy as could be, thanks to a little macaroni and cheese.

EARL BANGS HIS HEAD

inspired by Howard, 2nd Grade

At exactly 7:00AM, Earl awoke to the sound of birds

birding, roosters roostering, and dogs dogging. He hopped out of bed, brushed his teeth, gave his reflection a wink in the mirror, and danced downstairs to the kitchen.

“I’m gonna walk to school today,” Earl told himself.

Happy as could be, Earl skipped and twirled and sashéd out of the door directly into a street lamp. CRASH. Earl banged his head and fell down.

“Ouch!” Earl squeaked, rubbing his forehead. He

stood up to regain his balance and shook a fist at that light pole. Just as Earl was about to tell that pole to pick on someone its own size, he noticed something strange. There on the pole, right where Earl hit his head, were the directions from Earl’s home to school exactly as he had imagined them in his head. Suddenly, Earl couldn’t remember which way to turn, which street to cross, or which foot to put in front of the other. Earl turned back to the pole.

“Give those directions back!” He clawed at the pole,

but the directions disappeared. “Uh oh,” Earl thought to himself. “I’m going to be later than a sloth riding on a snail’s shell backwards.” Nonetheless, Earl had to get to school for a big test, so he chose a direction and started to walk.

Block after block, Earl tripped and tumbled over his

own feet. Just as Earl began to lose hope of finding his way to school, he saw a familiar face walking far ahead. It was Emily! Thank goodness! Emily must’ve been on her way to school, so she’d certainly be able to help out Earl. Earl dashed forward, spilling over his jello legs and noodle arms. Just as Earl was about to call out Emily’s name, BANG, Earl tripped and fell, hitting his head on the sidewalk. He opened his mouth to call his friend for help, but suddenly, he couldn’t remember her name!

“What was her name? Ernie? Elmo? Limo? Mellon?

Million?” Earl rubbed his head, desperate for the right answer. He looked down at the sidewalk that had left a mark on his head and right there in front of him was her name! Spelled in bright green letters  E M I L Y!

“Hey that’s mine!” Earl yelled at the sidewalk.

But it was too late. The letters disappeared, and his friend had already turned the corner.

“Boy oh boy, I gotta stop hitting my head.”

Earl stumbled forward, still determined to get to school. “Who am I kidding, I need to get help!” Just down the street, the storekeeper was opening up the town hardware store. Earl wobbled down the street at full speed, and turned quickly to enter the shop when WHAM! Earl ran right into the glass door. But he wasn’t going to let that stop him from finally getting some help.

“Excuse me! Excuse me! I need your help!” Earl

begged the storekeeper, his arms flailing in the air. “I was on my way but then CRASH and then BANG and then WHAM and YIKES and OOPS and OUCH!”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down!” the storekeeper walked to

Earl. “I’ll help you out! What’s your name?”

“Furrw.” Earl said confidently. Wait, he thought to

himself. Earl cleared his throat. “My name is Plopprr.” Earl’s eyes widened. He cleared his throat again, starting to feel nervous. “My name is Grudfereer. No! It’s UUURrfflll. UUUrrfmpp! Bluuurrrlll! Flarppp blarppy poo!” Oh no, he thought. “Oh no oh no OH NO I can’t remember!” Earl whirled around and looked at the glass door he ran into just moments before. There on the glass was the name of his own name, quickly disappearing.

“THERE THERE! IT’S THERE! On the door!” He yelled

at the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper looked at the door and then back at Earl. She didn’t see a thing. “It’s there it’s there! My name is there! On the door! It’s—” Earl stopped and sighed. “YARG! Nevermind! I have to get to school!” Earl ran out of the shop and the shopkeeper ran right after him.

“She must be after my brain too!” Earl ran away from

the shopkeeper for what felt like hours. He turned left, he turned right, he ran forwards and backwards, sideways and the other sideways and backwards sideways. Exhausted, Earl sat down. He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, angry and tired.

“What if I never get to school.” Earl put his head in his

hands and sighed. In the distance, Earl heard footsteps and a voice. He looked up.

“Wait! Wait!” It was the shopkeeper! She had

followed him the entire way. “Wait!”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY BRAIN!” Earl sprang to his

feet and prepared to run.

“No no, I don’t want your brain! You said you needed

to get to school.”

“I have a huge test today! And I need my brain, or

what’s left of it, so don’t even think about trying to take the rest of it!” Earl yelled.

The shopkeeper laughed.

“And what, may I ask, is so funny about that?!” Earl

stomped his feet.

“Well,” the shopkeeper smiled, “it’s Saturday!”Earl

stopped. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

“You mean to tell me that it’s the weekend? There’s no

school today? I didn’t miss my test?.” The shopkeeper shook her head. Earl paused for a moment. “Welp! There’s only one thing left to do then.”

“What’s that?” The shopkeeper asked him.

“I’ve got to protect my head. I’m off to buy a helmet!”

Earl skipped away with a smile on his face and promptly tripped over his shoe laces. He turned back to the shopkeeper. “On second thought, maybe it’s best if you lead the way.”

HOW TO MAKE AN

INFINITE PIECE OF PIZZA

 

inspired by Oliver, 6th Grade

TIME: 1 hour

SERVES: infinity and beyond people because it’s infinite pizza. Duh.

 

INGREDIENTS:

1 dash Unicorn speed

 

 

 

2 exponential things 

(i.e. e^x function,

bunny rabbit population

growth, etc.)

 

3 infinity cheeses

 

10 Elephant tomatoes

(substitute bear-sized

tomatoes if needed)

 

6 pepperoni with circumference of (2π • radius). This should yield infinite sides of course as the limit of the pepperoni polygon circumference approaches 2π r, the limit, of course, does not exist, duh, and therefore should yield the shape of a circle, a shape with infinite sides (See the brief explanation below.) So to recap all that: just regular pepperoni...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Combine first 4 ingredients, mix for 1,000,000 years. Next, shape into an infinity sign (Be careful to make an infinity sign and not an 8 or an upside down 8 or a sideways 8 becuz they're NOT infinity signs). Oh, also you need flour. And eggs. And salt. And maybe baking soda. And maybe sugar. Next, mix for 1,000 years. Add infinite pepperoni to the top and sprinkle with more infinity cheese. Bake until crust is golden brown.

 

Serve FOREVER and EVER AND EVER.

 
 
 
 

My fins were stuck. AGAIN. I knew I should’ve trimmed my kelp garden yesterday when I had the

chance. Instead, I spent my only day off of work watching a TV special about a starfish magician who can make 3 of his 5 arms disappear. Now, my fins were tangled between overgrown kelp leaves, and I knew exactly what the other fish in the reef would say:

Wow, Archie really IS a clown fish!

Or something like:

Haha! Got your fins in a twist?

And even worse, they’d call me my least favorite nickname, flimsy finz, with a “z” instead of an “s.” Let me be

clear. My fins are NOT flimsy. On a good day, I can lift a whole grain of sand at the RAC (Reef Athletic Center). Long story short, I am NOT to be trifled with.

I was stuck for about an hour before two police sharks happened to swim by. They were in pursuit of a hermit crab

with a stolen shell. Or maybe his taillights were out, I’d check the paper the next day and read all about it.

“Hey,” the first officer said casually. He was a Hammerhead shark, probably a whopping 18 feet long. His partner, on

the other hand, was some kind of Catshark, a wimpy 8 inches long.

“Hey?” I asked after a long pause. They looked at me with quizzical eyes. The Hammerhead turned to his partner.

“Looks pretty tangled,” the Hammerhead said.

“Yeah, pretty tangled,” his partner agreed.

“Might be tangled, you know?” Both agreed and turned back to me.

“You tangled?” the Hammerhead asked.

“Yeah, I guess—” I stared.

“What? Speak up.” Hammerhead said.

“Yeah what did he say?” Catshark leaned in closer.

“I said that—”

“You’re being way too quiet,” Hammerhead interrupted again.

“I’M STUCK!” I yelled.

“Yikes, no need to yell!” Catshark looked offended.

“Sheesh don’t get all up in fins!” Hammerhead shook his head.

“Sorry,” I said. “I just… I’m tangled in this kelp and I can’t get out.”

The police sharks looked at each other, and then back at me. And then back at each other, then me. Each other. Me.

Each other. Me. Each. Other. Me. Back and forth and back and forth until both officers burst in laughter.

“HAAAHAHA HE’S STUCK!” Hammerhead rolled around in the water.

“He’s so stuck!” Catshark repeated, wiping his eyes.

“You know what?” Hammerhead said between bouts of laughter. “He needs… he needs… HE NEEDS KELP!”

“HAHAHAAAA YOU SAID KELP INSTEAD OF HELP BECAUSE HE IS STUCK IN KELP HAHAAA” Catfish laughed and laughed

and looked to his partner for approval.

“Don’t explain my jokes.” Hammerhead became very serious. “Any way Mr. Fins, we’re here to help.”

I couldn’t tell if they were serious. Something about the two officers seemed incohesive. Catshark seemed desperate

for Hammerhead’s attention, but of course I couldn’t say anything about it.

"Were you going to say something?" Hammerhead asked me.

Startled, I shook my head, “no, no of course not.”

"No I'm pretty sure you were gonna say something," said the officer.

“No, no I’m being quiet. I’m just… I’m just stuck.” I tried to weasel my way out of this mess. Impossible, I thought.

There was no way they could read my mind. Unless, they were mind reading sharks? Stop it, Archie, that’s impossible and you know that, I told myself. I scrambled to come up with something relevant to say without revealing my true thoughts. I had to rationalize my prolonged silence without embarrassing the officers and their clearly troubled partnership. They KNEW I had something to say, but I couldn’t risk telling them that their officer partnership seemed silly. I began to sweat.

“I have to use the bathroom!” I yelled. Yikes, I thought. That’s embarrassing. But at least I didn’t anger the sharks.

“That’s inappropriate,” Hammerhead remarked.

“Yeah, really inappropriate,” Catshark added.

“I already said that,” Hammerhead said.

“Yeah, no I was just adding for emphasis.”

“I don’t need emphasis. I’m an 18 foot hammerhead shark. I AM emphasis.”

“But I just wanted to say the same thing from a different and smaller perspective.”

“Well, stop it!” Hammerhead swam away and Catshark followed, arguing as they disappeared into the reef. I

watched them until I couldn’t see them any longer. I squirmed to get out of that tangled mess. Then, as if I’d betrayed myself, I whispered to myself: I need kelp.

 

Knuckleball

Sandwich

Cooking time: 16 really fast seconds.

Ingredients:​

  • 2 pieces of bread (chef's choice, whole grain or mini bagels recommended.)

  • 11 Scrabble letters arranged to spell "CAT LAND ZERO" (or alternative animal universe adjectival statement.)

  • 4 cotton swabs (q-tips will work as well)

  • 5 colorful writing utensils (i.e. Crayons, pencils)

  • 1 Mini stapler

  • 1 toast-shaped bandage

  • 1 pipe-cleaner in a shape that represents peace, love, dancing, or happiness (chef's choice)

  • 1 baby photo of chef (you) sitting on the potty

  • 1 pink feather from the remains of a boa scarf (optional, but recommended for pizzazz)

  • 3 Tbsp of confetti

  • 1 leaf of lettuce, ripped in half

  • 1 recorder from that time you played recorder in the 4th grade.

Directions

Put all of the ingredients between the two pieces of bread. Then sandwich between the fingers of a baseball mitt and finish off with a baseball.

KNUCKLEBALL STACKER

A GUIDE TO PREPARING KNUCKLEBALL'S FAMOUS PB&J SUPER-STACKER HONEY-DRIZZLED SWEET SWEET SWIMMINGLY-SUPERB SANDWICH

Cooking time: 20 really fast seconds.

Ingredients:​

  • 2 pieces of bread becuz sandwich!

  • 2 kinds of jelly (preserves or jams are also acceptable and encouraged, especially raspberry or blueberry to shake things up).

  • 1 bear full of honey (jar of honey works too).

  • 1 baseball to add spunk and athleticism!

Directions:

Cut both pieces of bread into quarters. Spread some with peanut butter and some with jam or jelly or honey. START STACKIN'! Remember to spread toppings on the other sides of the bread pieces when you stack them. If you're good at planning ahead (unlike the person who made the video above and will remain anonymous), you can plan out a pattern so that you don't end up with jelly on jelly and peanut butter on peanut butter!

"The teachers are funny and down to earth - they allow us to flesh out our own ideas and stories."

 - Maeve G. 6th grader, Burley Elementary

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